Great Expectations and Further Falls

Great Expectations and Further Falls

"We just can't communicate..."

Communication is one of the primary presenting issues reported by couples to counselors. They identify arguing about everything from finances to parenting to what color to paint the house. Often we will hear a wife or a husband state, "we just can't communicate about anything anymore."

But the majority of the time, communication is not really the problem for these couples. When they were dating, engaged, first married, their communication was great.  They could sit for hours and talk about anything and everything without negative exchanges. Something happened along the way disrupting the smooth communication line between these individuals.

So what is the real problem? What is underlying these "communication" issues? Emotional disconnection.  Relational insecurity.  The needs of each partner are not being met in the relationship.  For example, Michelle needs to hear often from her husband Kevin how much he loves and needs her.  When Michelle doesn't hear this from Kevin, she starts to question his love for her and becomes insecure in the relationship withdrawing more and more.  Kevin who feels this withdrawal attempts to pursue Michelle, desperately wanting to feel connected to his wife, telling her he needs more physical intimacy.  Michelle becomes angry and withdraws even more as she can't believe her husband would expect more sex.  Kevin becomes hurt and angry at his wife's rejection to be intimate.  Both feel unloved.  Both feel insecure in their marriage.  Therefore, any attempt at communication, even about minor things, becomes a major battle.

If you and your spouse are struggling with communication,  evaluate whether it is related to a bigger issue by asking yourselves these questions:

• "Do I feel secure in our relationship?"
• "Do I feel my major love needs are being met?"
• "Is this really about my spouse or is this about my childhood or past?"

By answering "yes" to any of the above questions , you have identified underlying problems that could use some work in yourself and/or your marriage. With this awareness, choose today to respond more positively to your spouse endeavoring to meet their needs.  Most importantly, show your imperfect flawed spouse grace. The same kind of grace you would want shown to imperfect flawed you.

Couples Counseling 101

Do you and your spouse constantly struggle with communication? Are you feeling less and less connected to him/her? Are your interactions becoming more negative? These are major warning signs of a relationship in trouble and possibly on the road to failure.

If wishes could be granted, my wish would be that as soon as a couple see warning signs in their marriage they would seek help...immediately!    Immediately! Do not pass Go...Do not collect $200....

Unfortunately this is not always the case. When many couples have waited to see me, they have allowed years of issues to fester.  These issues breed feelings of resentment and bitterness which grow at an almost exponential rate. Before I can even begin to help a couple with the original problems, we have to work through the years of built-up resentment and bitterness.  Some couples greatly struggle just to work through these feelings...

Counseling should NOT be the "last ditch" effort, the "fast food drive-thru" if you will, before meeting with the divorce attorney.  If you and your spouse are struggling, I strongly encourage you to seek help.  Whether the help be from a professional counselor or a pastor, please do not put it off.   You may save yourself years of heartache and regrets!

Lastly, I am a huge proponent of preventative medicine!  Research shows that the best time to do couples counseling, marital therapy, or marital enrichment is when things are going well!  Yes!  You heard me! When spouses feel good about each other they feel safe in the relationship and thereby want to make their relationship even better!   

Written by Melissa Yoak, LPCC, director of DaySpring Counseling.  Melissa specializes in working with couples and families.

Why Counseling?

You could be feeling overwhelmed or depressed.  Perhaps you're experiencing anxiety or uncontrolled anger.  Maybe you find yourself constantly fighting with your spouse.   Then someone suggests, "Have you thought about talking to someone?"

Before you take this suggestion negatively, become offended and/or wonder if you are crazy...know something very important....counseling is good for everybody!

Yes, that is exactly right...counseling is and should be for everyone.

Who is without pain in this life?  Family and friends die.   We all are under a lot of stress. Unless you are the one of the very few lucky couples in the world, marriages can face a lot of challenges.  Not to mention the tug of war that parents feel pulled in while making decisions for their children.

So what can counseling offer in these circumstances?

1.  Perspective

In a nut shell, it is sometimes really difficult to see outside of ourselves.  Even if we are introspective, sometimes we just miss that one small way of looking at something differently.  A counselor can be that objective voice that guides us to see our circumstances in a different light.   In the marital game of "you are the problem," a counselor can really help couples see each person's part in their marital problems.

2.  Support

Many people don't have a support system. No spouse. Uninvolved parents.  No friends.  Or, their life may be full of these relationships but they don't feel they can be vulnerable or supported in these relationships.  Counselors can offer the support through encouragement and validation of feelings that is needed.

3. Reparenting

Parents are largely responsible for imparting wisdom to their children.  Unfortunately, if parents don't have wisdom, they don't have it to give to their children.  These children then grow into adults in need of healthier thinking patterns and effective ways to communicate.  Counseling can offer this guidance that helps people to "reparent" themselves in a positive way.

And one final important thought: counseling is Biblical.

Sometimes clients come to our office feeling somewhat embarrassed or ashamed for being in therapy.  They think that somehow they are crazy or inadequate    That's when Proverbs 1:5 becomes really handy...  "A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel." 

Stow office!

Stow office

By Melissa Yoak, Director

Since taking over as DaySpring's director almost 5 years ago, there has been an ongoing theme in the questions coming into our office from callers:

"Do you know of any Christian counselors in Stow?"
"Do you know of any Christian counselors in Kent?"
"Do you know of any Christian counselors in Hudson?"

We are proud to announce that DaySpring is opening a new office in Stow the week of March 4th, 2013!  Located between Stow and Hudson, our office is conveniently located in Ross Commons at 4466 Darrow Road.  We are so excited to be serving Stow, Hudson, and Kent!  For more information, visit our website at  http://www.dayspring7.com/contactus.html

Offering marriage counseling, family therapy and Christian counseling

.